He should have had me put the money in the basement. This Joke Already Won! Not Eligible To Win. Talk to the Judge. You cannot favorite your own joke! You have already flagged this joke. Do you wish to unflag this joke? Your are now subscribed to our free daily joke email! How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more. What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick falls off when you are dead.
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? There are some things even a blonde won't do. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his ass. Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers? New Jersey got to pick first. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What is the definition of a shame as in "that's a shame"? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Why to lawyers wear neckties? To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need just to lobby for the research grant.
Lawyer Jokes - The Good, the Bad and the Dirty
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? Because deep down, they're really good people.
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,, has a chance of becoming a human being. The Penalty for laughing in court is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. Lawyers occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
Lorenzo Dow, a 19th century evangelist, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter night. At the local general store he saw the town's lawyers gathered around the potbellied stove. Dow told the men about a recent vision in which he had been given a tour of hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. One of the lawyers asked what he had seen. Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
A fox may steal your hens, Sir, A whore your health and pence, Sir, Your daughter rob your chest, Sir, Your wife may steal your rest, Sir, A thief your goods and plate.
But this is all but picking, With rest, pence, chest and chicken; It ever was decreed, Sir, If lawyer's hand is fee'd, Sir, He steals your whole estate. I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney. A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them. A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand. An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house? The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will? She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow!
She's going to let the County bury her! A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works: The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:. The lawyer asks the first question. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows.
All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer? The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: Where are you from? Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. Judge Bean and Lawyer Bilgeworth were riding horses. They cam upon an open stretch of country and noticed a hangman's noose dangling from a tree, solemnly waving in the breeze. The funeral procession included two hearses and a man walking a dog. Several hundred people followed the man.
Curious, a pedestrian approached the man. The second hearse has a lawyer who opposed me in some business litigation. He met the same fate. A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
Solving A Dispute
His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn! You can have the duck. There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St.
Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married? Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday.
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The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, "I'm sorry to disappoint you but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year. In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2: We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel.
The reception will be on me! The bride looked beautiful. The Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven's denizens attended, and a good time was had by all. Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn't stay married to one another.
So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty. Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce. Do you have any idea how long it'll take us to find a lawyer? He stopped and bought a ticket, whereupon the salesman hit him on the head, wrapped him in a rug and threw him in the river. The Public Defender noticed the same sign. He too bought a ticket, got hit on the head, wrapped in a rug and tossed in the river. The Public Defender awoke and called out to the State's Attorney, "Do they serve drinks on this cruise? NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight? What law firm do you work for? Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes? A farmhand consulted a lawyer. He had long tended the late farmer's cows, and believed they would his when the farmer died.
Now the farmer's son claimed ownership. The cows were raised on his land, he said, they should be his. A guy phones a law office and says: The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week.
Funny Lawyers Jokes
By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling? One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. Thank you for taking all of us with you. The old man was critically ill. He called his lawyer. Get me the course.
Suddenly the old man was wracked with fits of coughing, and it was clear the end was near. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan. A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested? It was a nice day at the park by the lake. Three guys were casting their lines to catch some fish and a couple were rowing in a small boat. Two crows were cruising by, eyeing for some targets to shit on. The younger of the two crows tried to show off and dove onto those three guys. But it went thud, thud, hitting only two of the three.
The older crow went towards the couple in the moving row boat. And it went thud, hitting only one of the couples. Since this was a moving target, it didn't seem all that bad. Then out from nowhere came this little bird, wings still wet like it was just been hatched. It dove towards those three guys. It swooped over to the row boat. Then a kid riding a bike came around. Length of words in solution: Brain Teasers , puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania Revised Christmas Days Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned.
The positions are, therefore, eliminated 3 The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French 4 The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order 6 The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one 7 The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement 8 As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC.
The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching 9 Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps 10 Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill.
The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year 11 Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big.
A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses.
Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession "thirteen lawyers-a-suing" , a decision is pending. Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
The goal of the game is to color all the 25 squares. Clicking will invert clors of all the sqauers within the shape of pattern. The game is designed for all ages and stimulate children's creativity and reasoning. Grounds for Divorce She entered the office of a noted divorce lawyer.
Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area. A farmer named Clyde had a car A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie